An itsy bitsy white bikini: The Unraveling of my so-called happy ending to massive self-worth

Updated: Feb 11


When you look at this picture, what do you see? A joyful mother? A woman on vacation at the beach taking photos she will remember for a lifetime? Someone physically fit for great health and longevity? What appears to be a very happy time was not. Plain and simple. This image depicts a mask I wore for the camera that day, and a life I created thinking it would make me happy and fulfilled. This was the ending of my so called fairy tale life from the outside looking in, to my unfathomable beginning!


A couple of weeks ago this woman said to me in the pool as I was river walking, "Melissa, you are adorable in your white bikini!" I smiled so much the rest of the walk my cheeks hurt! What an amazing compliment! Today, I believe her. Before now I would have politely said thank you and then brushed it off, more than likely criticizing something about my body the rest of the day. I have been so hard on it these last several years. In this picture above, I was 40 years old, my body was rock solid and ripped with a 6-pack! I was in the best shape of my life. I had 3 kids and could do cardio like a rockstar! I was so proud of my body and on the top of the world physically. Mentally and emotionally, I was ready to break. Spiritually I was pretty much bankrupt, yet on the edge of a massive breakthrough to begin my journey back to my self-worth. I had no idea what the coming years would look like, only that I was not going to live the way I had been living anymore. I had reached my bottom and I was done! It was time for change. (Little did I know this was the beginning of many bottoms as well)


I left the beach that year knowing it was the last time I would be with my family unit. It was so crystal clear what I needed to do. I had denied what I had been hearing intuitively for years! Why did it take me so long I wondered? Because I feared judgement and criticism. People would think I was a failure or I hadn't tried hard enough. Yet, I had done everything I possibly could to save my marriage. I was out of solutions. I had to let a greater power take over. Slowly but surely over the years, I have walked through my darkness and one day a few summers ago I decided I wanted to wear a white bikini. I wanted to feel young, free, and sexy as a divine feminine, and felt the white bikini was a symbol of this for me. I had not been able to wear one before because I judged my body and thought maybe I was too old to wear one. I had this idea in my head that I wasn't beautiful or svelte enough. "Who do I think I am," I would hear playing in my head. Not only that, all the trauma I had incurred over the course of my marriage around sex and body image was really present in my mind. I had been beaten down and thought I didn't matter. The bottom line was, I am not worthy of wearing a white bikini.


Yet over the course of the last couple of years I have started to embody my self-worth. I trained with 2 subconscious mind coaches, became a double certified Reiki Master teacher, walked on fire, learned Akashic reading where I found out I was a medium, joined a priestess program, put myself out there as a public speaker in service to others, and many other small feats that add up to BIG RESULTS within. Remember, as within, so without. One of my coaches always said it's like playing small ball. The little actions add up over time, giving you the big results! It was a process to get to the white bikini for sure! Yet I wore one this summer and I felt elated, alive, and as if I have come back to my center and am blossoming like never before. No I don't have the rock hard body I did when I was 40, yet I have my self-worth. I know who I am and that I am worthy and loved. I know my value and I also know I can add value to many others lives! I have walked through my darkness and emerged on the other side. I wear the itsy bitsy white bikini with joy!


Now go love on yourself and have a wonderful day!

Love,

Melissa


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